Sitting outside in 104 degree temperature (because I'm a fucking masochist. Just kidding, it actually feels pretty good compared to the 110 yesterday) as I type these very words, I've come to the conclusion that I cannot even contemplate the depths of the depression I've been living with for years now. It's not a fun thing to think about, I know. But, it's even less fun to live through. There's a line on the new Kanye record during "I Thought About Killing You" where he says:
"I done had a bad case of too many bad days
Got too many bad traits
Used the floor for ashtrays
I don't do shit halfway..."
And that is exactly how I feel right now. You see, Ye deals with being bi-polar and I struggle with Autism/Asperger's. Depression is far too common a result of these things. Plus, I just found out that depression is also a side-effect of having Meniere's Disease as well. So, I've got that going for me too, which is nice...
Hell, it could even be just plain, old, run-of-the-mill fucked up chemistry in the old brain-box. Who the fuck knows... However and whatever it comes from, it's here and I get to deal with it. Living in Portland, OR doesn't help either. This city fucking hates me and I dutifully return the favor; it's been this way for years. I had a visceral reaction the first time I drove into Portland and wanted to never come back. Naturally, I moved there and haven't left. I've tried but life intervened. First, it was the band. We finally got a foothold and made our first record (my first album ever). I wanted to tour the fuck out of it, so we did. That kind of negated my leaving for about two to three years. Then, I broke up with the band and my girlfriend and was definitely going to leave. But before I could, the band got back together and I had some fucking awesome new songs that I desperately wanted to record. So, I put my mental health on the backburner once again. We made the album (my latest record "In My Youth, I'm Getting Old..." WHICH CAN BE HEARD HERE and who's title/reference is getting more and more prescient by the day...) and, once again, the band broke up. Only, in the meantime, I had gotten back together with my girlfriend. So, once again, I couldn't leave and here we are...
There's about 9000 more things that played into this shit, but that's all I feel like revealing at this point in time. I'm sure I'll get into it more but for now, let's move on.
Being depressed strangely makes you not want to do shit so here's a blog I wrote back in 2015, which I'm sure most of you have never seen, and therefore, never read. Being depressed sucks, especially when you have good shit going on that you just can't quite enjoy the way you should, which, in turn, makes you even more depressed. Being depressed about being depressed is about as depressing as it gets... Anyways, presented in all its 2015 glory, here is a blog about my love for Dick (which also reignited my passion for LP's "Tokyo Sunrise" which I cannot, under any circumstance, stop listening to no matter how much I'd like to...):
Best 3rd Rock from the Sun Titles(aka Why 3rd Rock from the Sun wins the “Greatest Titles Ever” Belt) in chronological order, of course, assholes…
- Dick, Smoker
- The Art of Dick
- The Dicks, They Are a Changing
- I Enjoy Being a Dick
- Assault with a Deadly Dick
- World’s Greatest Dick
- Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick
- I Brake for Dick
- Will Work for Dick
- Eleven Angry Men and One Dick
- Auto EuroDicka
- The House that Dick Built
- Dick ‘the Mouth’ Solomon
- Near Dick Experience
- Youth is Wasted on the Dick
- Shall We Dick?
- There’s No Business like Dick Business
I’m not sure if you fuckers watched and loved this show the way I did. It was an extremely integral part of my middle school experience; the same way Nirvana, Bright Eyes, Football, Acne, Braces and Masturbating was. Speaking of Bright Eyes, he is easily the most awkward concert I have ever been to. It’s weird that at 18 years old, you can feel like a fucking old man, weirdo, pedo-type, but that’s exactly how my buddy and I felt. Then again, it’s hard not to sitting amongst 5,000 depressed 15 and 16 year old girls for two hours.. And, of course, we had to be next to the fucking idiot who claimed he went to High School with Conor Oberst (we were in Wisconsin, so it’s highly unlikely despite the massive amount of alcohol and smoke this man took in order to arrive at this conclusion. Then again, he had some pretty damn good weed for Wisconsin and after sharing he sort of convinced me. Then again, in that state, those depressed teenage girls could’ve convinced me to read more fucking Neil Gaiman) and couldn’t stop yelling out, no fucking bullshit, “Play some FUCKING Bright Eyes.” Regardless, Conor fucking rocked the Pabst Theater. It was the country half (“I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning”) of his two album tour. No matter how old I get, I can’t completely make fun of the pretentious as fuck fake interview from “An Attempt to Tip the Scales” on “Fevers & Mirrors.” I gotta give him credit, he had balls at least. I wonder what he thinks of that nowadays. I know what I would think… One of my favorite Conor songs will always be “Waste of Paint.” It was one of the first songs I heard where I thought “Hell, maybe I could do that…” Obviously, part of my love for that song is my everlasting, and ridiculously nostalgic, youth and my insanity which has revealed itself in my need to create music; for better or worse. Conor’s strongest impression was to inspire me to endlessly write songs about trying to get laid in high school, completely failing nearly every time, of course, while making up(or “freestyling” as I liked to say) half the words; which I don’t think he did but it sure sounded like it. Songs at that time were, to me, fluid and changed everytime I sang them. When you are 18 years old the subject matter changes frequently, as every day is a new adventure and everything moves so quickly… Wait, that’s fucking stupid and just romantic reminiscing… That’s right, I was talking about my love for Dick…
Seriously, look at that fucking list. What TV show do you know that could even think of putting their titles up against those? I’m not sure how this flew but I guess we were less sensitive back in the nineties.. Also, how good looking is Joseph Gordon-Levitt, seriously? Even as a fellow teen, I had a huge man crush on him. That hair…
Lest you aren’t a huge folk music fan like moi, then you probably don’t know the full awesomeness of THIS… Cat Power was one of the first shows I ever saw in Seattle and she most definitely didn’t disappoint. I almost got stabbed by a homeless man on the way home but, since I didn’t, it was certainly worth it…
I’ve done lots of shit-talking about various bands and music in the past so I’d like to offer a couple listens that may or may not blow your mind. As a sidenote, I don’t know if you all have heard of this Spotify deal but it’s pretty fucking sweet. I can listen to boatloads of music without having to tote around crates of CD’s all the time. Maybe I’m too old for this interwebs thing… Anyhow, take a listen to the new Wolf Alice album “My Love is Cool.” I recently saw them in Seattle at the Crocodile and they killed it, rough. Like fucking seriously rough. I haven’t seen a show that good in a long, long while. The single is “Bros” which is good but I can’t stop listening to “Your Loves Whore” and “Lisbon.” They have sort of a Joy Formidable feel but poppier and a bit grungier, if that makes any sense. Huge, balls to the wall rock sound and great hooks and grooves with just the right amount of chaos.
Also, on the recommendation of the podcast I have binge listened to over the past month, Man vs. Radio (which you should totally check out. Tons of great music and Christian has some incredible stories you should hear), I recently have gotten into the Blue Nile’s “A Walk Across the Rooftops” which is amazing, beautiful, poignant, soulful, sad, hopeful and brilliant beyond brilliant. I don’t have proper words to describe this album so just listen to “Heatwave” and “Stay” and stop reading this shit…
But, if you haven’t, take a listen to this shit… Rocks my world everytime. I listened to this on repeat for three hours on the drive from Seattle back to Portland and got chills everytime. It’s that good. Anyhow, I know it’s been way too long but I’m back bitches and expect more updates soon…