OK, so after that ridiculous but very specific title, I feel like I need to deliver the goods. Well, this week, as indicated, I wanted to talk about how having Asperger’s (Asperger’s, if you haven’t heard of it, is on the autism spectrum and was formerly called high-functioning autism to give you an idea of what it is) has shown up in my life and music in some weird ways. I’ve written a few times about how it affects my songwriting (you can read my most recent blog about that HERE), music career and life, but it came back up recently as I’ve been working on a new solo EP for Autism Awareness Month in April (hopefully this April…). For those who missed my last solo EP, music for depressed alcoholic autistic people which came out last April, you can read about it, listen to it and even download it for free HERE (it’s also on all your favorite streaming services like Spotify, etc. too. It’s listed under “Bradley Wik” which is separate from my “Bradley Wik and the Charlatans” accounts). It is an intensely personal four song EP that is vast departure from my usual rock ‘n’ roll. It features sad bastard acoustic songs drowned in a whole heap of synth sounds and weirdness. If that sounds bizarre and incongruous, it’s because it kind of is. As I’m recording this second EP, tentatively titled more music for depressed alcoholic autistic people, I’ve noticed just how influenced these songs are, and this was kind of the goal, by my Asperger’s. I wanted these songs to be a direct reflection of my life with Asperger’s. I needed these types of songs when I was younger and I still do to this day. I didn’t feel like these types of songs existed in a way that could have reached someone like me, so I made them. So, let’s dive into what was going through my mind this past week as I’ve been recording the next set of tunes.
Asperger’s and the yin/yang theory
One of the most prevalent ways my Asperger’s shows up, and how I should have known about having it before five years ago, is when I have to take a personality test. My Asperger’s has been fucking up personality tests since I was little kid. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to redo personality tests because they always come back broken. What do I mean by that? Well, one thing I’ve noticed is it seems like my Asperger’s (I can’t speak for anyone else’s experience so I’m not sure if this is true for all autistics or just me) loves to show up in diametrically opposite ways, hence the yin and yang theory reference. For example, I am an intensely private introvert…who loves to share his most personal thoughts and experiences with the world through song and this blog. I have social anxiety…but I play live music for (relatively small, but still) crowds of people at busy bars, venues, etc. for a living. I have a very difficult time understanding my own emotions…but can vividly tell stories that include other people’s feelings. I could go on, but you get the point. Yin and yang. I feel like this exact thing is what Alanis was singing about in Hand in My Pocket and Billy Joel in I Go to Extremes. There’s so many diametrically opposed things that live inside me and make me who I am. And personality tests hate, hate, hate this. These types of tests were clearly not designed to work for neurodiverse individuals like myself.
Here’s a fun, little story about how I first learned this: when I was in middle school, so maybe 12 years old or thereabouts, they had us all take a personality test to see what jobs we might be best suited for in the future. I think most kids take these types of tests at some point, so you might remember it. It had questions like: do you like parties or quiet nights with a book? Do you like public speaking or does it make you nervous? Do you favor manual labor or school/book work? Are you good at fixing things or not? And on and on. And I remember it was one of those fill in the dot types that they would run through those scanners to give you your results. So, like the rest of the kids, I dutifully filled in my dots and turned in my test, excitedly and nervously awaiting the results. The next day, they passed out the results sheets to everyone. They had your top three recommended jobs based on the test. One buddy was supposed to be a mechanic, construction worker or engineer. My other friend was going to be a teacher, politician or lawyer. I waited and waited. I was the second last person to receive their results, the curse of having a last name that starts with “W.” Finally! I unfolded the paper and…nothing. Not a single job recommendation. Just:
1) n/a
2) n/a
3) n/a
I asked the teacher what happened. I was told that I had probably not filled in my dots properly so the scanner couldn’t read it. Bullshit. I’m an excellent dot-filler-inner. That’s even why I prefer absentee ballots when voting. I get to fill in dots. But whatever.
The teacher gave me a second test and told me to be extra careful about filling in the dots. I took the test again and had her look it over to make sure my dot-filling-in skills were to her standards. She said it looked great and they ran it back through the scanner. The next day, I got my results from this second test. I unfolded the paper and…
1) n/a
2) n/a
3) n/a
“My dots were great, you even said so yourself,” I said.
“I know. Maybe you weren’t being truthful with your answers.” So, this is my fault again? Fuck that.
“Why would I lie on a bullshit personality test?”
“Brad! Language!” They used to call me “Brad” when I was younger. Now, it sounds weird.
“Sorry, but what now?”
“You can take it again, but pick a teacher who knows you well and I’ll have them make sure your answers are correct to the best of your ability.”
“Fine, let’s go, again, but if I get “n/a,” again, your test is broken.”
“The test is not broken. It was fine for everyone else.”
So, once again, I dutifully filled in the test, but had to verify each answer with my favorite teacher. He knew me well so I trusted him to help. I had to stay after school to do this third test. We walked through question by question and had to agree on each answer before filling it in. About an hour later, we finally finished. The test went back through the scanner and we had to wait until tomorrow for the results. I came in early just to see what some dumb fucking test was going to tell me I should be when I grow up.
“Well,” he said, “you finally got an answer.” He handed me the sheet. I looked down and he was right. At first, I didn’t know what to say. After a minute or so, I just shook my head, threw the paper out and started walking to class.
“Stupid fucking test.”
“Language.”
The results:
1) n/a
2) n/a
3) clown
Apparently, the only job it could muster, after three attempts no less, for an introvert with social anxiety who likes to perform in front of people and loves attention was that of a clown. This is the problem with being so yin and yang. These tests cannot get a proper bead on me. I once applied for a job where they made me take a personality test three times (again?!) because they too thought I was lying, though this time to actually get a job. After they got the same results three times they agreed they had to interview me to understand how I did this to their precious little test. I ended up getting the job but their trainer told me I broke the test and it would be harder to train me since I didn’t fit into one of their four distinct training groups. Lucky me. Since I didn’t know I had Asperger’s at the time, I just thought I was such an enigma that no test could hold me down. Which, I guess, was/is technically true. But, I also learned I’m not as cool as I once thought. Thanks Asperger’s for providing a logical explanation and ruining my fun…
So, what the hell does any of that have to do with songs about having autism? Do you sing about this long-winded story that was mildly amusing but stole a few precious minutes of my life, minutes I will never get back? No, but good question.
These songs are very yin and yang-y. They were meant to be. I thought about making music like this for years and years but didn’t know how. I knew I needed a synth to make all the crazy, fucked up sounds I wanted but I held off since I never could figure out how they work. There’s like nine thousand knobs and buttons and wheels plus I can’t even play a piano much less this beast. I mean, look at this thing:
She’s so pretty, isn’t she? But I had to spend countless hours testing each knob to figure out what it did.
After I got that job I mentioned before, I had some extra money coming in. I didn’t make crazy money (and I found out later they paid me less than all my coworkers, so fuck them), but it was way more than I was used to. Finally, I said “fuck it” and just bought one. I got a Moog Sub 37. There’s some synth-nerdy reasons why that particular one but I won’t bore you with them. The main reasons I got this one:
A) It has a super warm analog sound which was perfect to pair with my super mellow/woody acoustic guitar
B) It has a programmable arpeggiator, meaning I can plug in the notes and it will play them in time for me so I didn’t have to be proficient at a keyed instrument to use it. Yay!
As I was recording last night, I thought back to the yin and yang. Pretty sounding songs that are terrifically sad. Very simple acoustic sad bastard chord progressions but with tons of additional melodies and production. Then, the next song is just me on an acoustic guitar. But, the acoustic guitar is all fucked up and weird sounding. These are my most personal recordings to date but I intentionally made them a little hard to listen to and to feel like they’re disconnected from the Earth. It’s me, on a single track, playing guitar and singing into one mic with 20 tracks of noise and melody all rushing around me like I’m lost in my own song. There’s beautiful melodies played with noisy and sometimes out of tune synth sounds (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. Apparently, analog synths can get all fucked up sometimes and screwy with tuning. That was not a fun night of panicking when I thought I had broken my expensive synth…) These autism records are all about taking two diametrically opposed ideas and jamming them together. Which apparently is how I truly am on the inside; at least according to those bullshit personality tests. (Side note: the only test/personality thing that seems to actually majorily hold up is the enneagram; which, I know, is so hot right now, just like Hansel. But that one is fairly accurate to me. My wife says I’m a four, if anyone gives a shit, though I don’t really know what that means. I just knew I wanted four because it’s my favorite number because it was Brett Favre’s number and somehow it worked out that way…) It was cool to see that this idea actually worked. The reactions to the first EP are exactly how I had hoped they would be: diametrically opposed. Some have said it’s by far the best thing I’ve ever done and some say it’s garbage. So, obviously, it’s working.
Well, that’s it for this week. I know, a little rambly and weird at times, but that’s me. If you have any questions for a real, live autistic or would like me to write more about something in this blog, feel free to reach out via the comments section or contact me directly via our ABOUT/PRESS PAGE or Instagram (@bradleywikmusic). I’m on the other socials but that’s really the only one I check semi-regularly. I’m obviously a pretty damn open book and am really hard to offend, so feel free to reach out with questions. See you next week!