Today (or whatever day you’re reading this, which, I guess is also today as you can’t read it tomorrow or yesterday, so this whole disclaimer is a moot point which I should just highlight and delete, and yet, here it is, rambling on and on with no end in sight before we’ve even gotten into the actual blog…), I would like to talk about three classic rock ‘n’ roll bands which…I don’t particularly care for. Why? I don’t know. I thought it would be fun. And, probably because I’m sick of talking about the coronavirus and/or politics, like we all are these days. They’re both seemingly unavoidable but, luckily, computers aren’t political and can’t get viruses so this is a safe space. Wait. Computers can get viruses? Shit, we’re all fucked… Just kidding. We’re OK. I have a Mac.
But, first I wanted to thank those who braved the chillier temps to come see Brianne and I at Summit Coffee Co. in Davidson, NC last night. It was kind of a mindfuck to be playing outdoors in December but we loved it. I’m from Wisconsin and outdoor shows in December are just not a thing. Even out in Portland, OR where the temps are milder, it’s just pissing rain all the time so it’s not possible there either. My fingers were starting to get a bit cold/stiff towards the end but it was a lot of fun and Brianne and I will be back next Wednesday (12/9) from 5-7pm again. We hope to see you there, provided you’re in the Charlotte area. If you’re not, we’ll be back to touring someday, hopefully next summer as these vaccines are looking promising. Shit, there’s that corona-talk again. Dammit! Moving on…
Hey! That’s me looking all good before a show. I never look that good after a show. Usually I’m all disheveled and sweaty. So, enjoy this “before” picture.
So, again, why am I writing about three bands that I don’t like? Well, they are three of the most iconic classic rock bands in the world and I, for whatever reason, cannot seem to get into them no matter how many times I try and no matter how many people tell me I should like them because they’re so awesome. Look, I get it. Every single one of these bands has sold more records than I could ever dream of, so they’re obviously doing something right. But, let’s try and figure out why I can’t get it up for any of these bands.
The Eagles
We’ll start here because this one is easy: they suck. I don’t really consider the Eagles an actual rock ‘n’ roll band. They may have rolled at times but they definitely never rocked. I can’t remember (or easily find via Google) who said it, but I remember hearing a quote that goes something like “they had three guitarists and they still couldn’t rock.” Might be from that 2-part Eagles documentary, which you should totally watch whether you love or hate the band. Trust me. I thought I hated the Eagles before that documentary and now I hate them even more. It’s like Glenn and Don spend the whole movie trying to out-douche each other. And, unsurprisingly, Don won handily.
But, there couldn’t be a less inspiring band on the planet. Even my most hated band on the planet, Grouplove (WATCH THIS if you want to know why. Not only is the song incoherent and awful, but it seems that everyone, even those in their own music video, fucking hate them too. There’s nothing good about that song or video. Nothing. Even just having to look that video up to link it disgusted me…), inspires something. It’s revoltion and hate, but hey, at least that’s something. The Eagles are like plain oatmeal. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s just so fucking bland. And it’s so easy to make something better. They could’ve just added a banana for some flavor. And when you’re looking to bananas for flavor, you know must be the most bland shit in the entire world because bananas aren’t exactly wowing anyone’s palate. Are they all good at what they do? Sure. The musicianship is fine. They can sing well. But, the end product is just, well, shit. And such boring shit, no less.
They may sell millions upon millions of their lame-ass greatest hits record, but I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Take it Easy? They should’ve taken it less easy and worked harder on their music. Already Gone? I wish my ears were after hearing that for the 1000th time on classic rock radio. One of These Nights? One of these nights someone should erase the Eagles from history and we’ll never speak of them again. Peaceful Easy Feeling? I’ll have a peaceful easy feeling when I shoot myself in the fucking face with this song playing on repeat, and when they find me they won’t even need a note to know why I did it. They’ll just see this song cued up on repeat and say “ahhh, I would’ve done the same. He did the right thing. No one should have to endure that.”
The Dude, or El Duderino if you’re not into that whole brevity thing, definitely summed it up best. I, too, have had a rough day and I, too, hate the fucking Eagles.
KISS
I feel like KISS is akin to Peter Frampton, which sounds weird but hear me out. I feel like they’re both artists that you had to experience in real-time for them to make sense. I think anyone who was between the ages of 15-40 in 1976 when Frampton Comes Alive came out was legally compelled to own that record. But, in 2020, we struggle to understand why. Again, just like the Eagles, there’s nothing inherently wrong with Peter Frampton’s music. He’s a good singer and a fantastic guitar player. It’s just his music doesn’t really inspire me to feel anything. It feels like background music at a Barnes and Noble. It’s good enough that every once in a while you look up and wonder who is playing but vanilla enough for you to go about your business reading books section by section so you don’t have to actually buy them while you sip a coffee that you brought from home but are pretending you bought from the cafe in the store. No? Just me, maybe?
Oh yeah, I was talking about KISS. KISS has more records that people owned but it’s the same type of thing. It just doesn’t quite make sense looking back at it. They have all the ingredients: huge personalities, amazing live shows, lots of songs with “Rock” or “Rock and Roll” in the title, it’s just doesn’t do it for me. It’s like when you go to Voodoo Doughnuts in Portland for the first time and you hear about these doughnuts with crazy toppings, and you think to yourself, “Doughnuts. Yum. Bacon. Yes please. Maple. Sign me up.” But, then you eat it and you’re like, “Yep, this tastes like a maple doughnut with a piece of bacon on it.” All the ingredients are there, but the whole thing doesn’t really do anything special and you’re left disappointed. That’s KISS for me.
But, people who grew up with them always tell me how amazing it was to see and hear them for the first time and how cool they were. People still pay thousands to go see them live. Their KISS Army is fucking impressive as hell. But, when I just sit and listen to the records, I can’t seem to get excited about them. Their music sounds as though they wrote each song for the express purpose of being played in arenas in front of thousands of screaming fans who know every word. It doesn’t sound like the albums were made to be consumed 40 some years later by kids who didn’t know them intimately. It feels like a secret club I’m not allowed access to. Maybe that’s why I don’t like KISS. KISS fans are like hockey fans, if you don’t know all the ins and outs and whathaveyous, they’re like, “I’m sorry, you’re not allowed to like our thing.” And I’m like, “Well, maybe if you could explain it to me, I would understand it better.” And they’re like, “Too bad, if you don’t already know, you’ll never get to.” And I’m like, “But, can you at least explain to me why you like it?” And they’re like, “Sorry, no. It’s just really good and everyone should know that.” And I’m like, “Can you provide some empirical evidence for that assertion?” And they’re like, “Sorry, no. Bye.” And then they hang up. Oh yeah, this conversation was happening on a phone or something. I don’t know. Let’s move on.
Cheap Trick
This one is the most perplexing of the three. I really want to like Cheap Trick, unlike the other two. Like I said, I hate the fucking Eagles and KISS I could take or leave. But Cheap Trick? They are everything I love about music. They actually rock, they have a fantastic and charismatic group of guys, they have funny/clever album covers, they’re phenomenally talented and, to top it off, they’re a hard-working Midwestern rock ‘n’ roll band. Talk about a group of delicious ingredients. But again, unfortunately, time after time, I’m left wanting more from the actual songs. And don’t get me wrong, they got some great ones too. Surrender, Gonna Raise Hell, Dream Police, etc. But, I’ve rarely been able to sit down and enjoy the albums as a whole, which is a big deal for me. A song here or a song there, but I need the albums to really speak to me. I never feel bored with Cheap Trick the way I do with Eagles and KISS albums but I also don’t get that warm, fuzzy feeling I do with other rock ‘n’ roll albums. It’s good, but just can’t quite scratch that itch I need scratched. You know, the one in the middle of your back that you can almost reach but bothers the fuck out of you until you find a good desk edge or table to rub up against. That one. Cheap Trick is like the back of your chair or couch, it seems like it should work but somehow doesn’t.
Even just a week or so ago, I, again, gave Cheap Trick the benefit of the doubt. They were on Live from Daryl’s House and I watched every minute, partly because I was drunk and didn’t want to search for something else to watch and partly because I wanted to give them yet another chance. And I do feel torn about watching Live from Daryl’s House. It’s a cool concept where artists play and eat with Daryl Hall from Hall and Oates, if you aren’t familiar with him. But, he’s kind of a douche and very self-important. He’s also a fantastic singer and guitar player which makes me jealous. I wish I could just pick up and play and sing anyone’s songs. It just doesn’t work that way for me though I wish it did. I feel like Liam Neeson sometimes. I have a very particular set of skills, except mine are a very limited particular set of skills. Anyways, I watched the whole episode and kept waiting to be wowed by Cheap Trick. I found myself tuning out from time to time, possibly because I was a little drunk already but probably because I was just kinda bored. Again, none of the songs were bad, just most of them weren’t that great. I finished the episode, which I do with most episodes of LFDH, but was left disappointed, a common refrain amongst these three bands. But, the weirdest thing about this band is that I keep willingly coming back for more. Even now, I feel the urge to fire up Dream Police or Heaven Tonight and give it another shot. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know what causes this. They’re obviously just not my cup of tea and yet I can’t quit them. Oh well, maybe someday I’ll finally get it. Until then, fuck it, Live from Daryl’s House is on with Billy Gibbons so I have to tune in for some La Grange; a how how how how, motherfuckers. Peace. Wait, I don’t say “peace,” that was fucking weird. Bradley out. Shit, that was weirder. What’s wrong with me tonight? Until next week, my friends.
(dictated but not read)