what?... aka so tired. so fucking tired...

depression is a bitch. i'm so tired. i can't even write tonight. well, it's more than depression. it's also lack of sleep. sleep is essential to life but some people, like me, can't sleep because they are terrified of having horrific dreams. i don't feel like dying a dozen times tonight. just like i didn't feel like dying a dozen times last night so i didn't really sleep. chappelle's show reruns helped me through but i now cannot feel emotions or life so i just want to sleep desperately but will likely barely partake. next week, or possibly later this week, i will give you a more in depth... thing, i guess, i don't know the word, on depression, on insomnia and the like. but for tonight, i'm gonna drink til i pass out. it's not sleep but it'll do for now. i can't take another night of dreaming/nightmaring deaths for eight hours. i can't wake up to experience the same dream for an entire night. a dream in which i am chased and murdered, or tasked with saving dozens of people from murder. i just can't. i just can't. i don't have it in me. luckily, there is a new season of "nailed it" on netflix and the new pup album "morbid stuff" is fucking amazing. i'll do that for tonight, again. it's better than sleep. well, better than horrific nightmares that still don't allow me to sleep anyways. fuck that shit. seriously. whole foods sourdough fresh baked loaf is delicious. so is woodford reserve bourbon. so are "corner gas" reruns on amazon. so are "martin" reruns on bet. i'm tired. so tired...

(dictated but not read)

Insomnia and what cures it, for me, at least... aka music. Top 5 albums I fall asleep to...

Figured I'd give you the music right off the fucking bat in case you're one of those people that can listen to music AND do anything else, like read, at the same time. For me, music is a solitary focus only but I hear I'm a little weird with shit like that...

Well, it's Monday night (or whenever the hell it is when you are reading this), so it's time for your weekly dose of ol' Bradley Wik. I found out recently that, apparently, I was the last person on the planet still using two spaces after a sentence while typing, so I'm trying to get used to using only one. Forgive me if I add extra ones here and there. Fucking old habits die hard. I've had to delete three in this short-ass first paragraph already...

But, last week was a fucking weird one for me. I had an enormous fucking blister on my thumb which made it damn near impossible to pick a guitar/record (bourbon helps with the pain), I tried to start going through and mixing some of the recordings I made last week only to find they were, for all intents and purposes, unusable, which pissed me off to no fucking end, so I just wanted to relax and watch some TV but football is gone, baseball hasn't yet started, so I binged seasons 5 and 6 of "VEEP" and fell in love with Jonah and Richard Splett all over again. Which was nice, for a while. Then, I had an Asperger's attack/breakdown over getting a new tattoo because I really wanted to get it this weekend but I am going to Disney World in less than a week and was paranoid about it getting infected on the water rides. But, I had already made up my mind to go get it which means I spoiled almost two entire days pouting/freaking out that I didn't get to do what I had already planned on doing even though it was entirely my fault as I had completely forgotten I was going to Disney World so soon after. It likely would've been fine anyways, but I already don't heal particularly quickly (bourbon doesn't help in this case) and generally have shit luck with vacations in the first place. It literally only delayed the new tattoo by a couple weeks but Asperger's is a bitch sometimes and loves to fuck up my days with nonsense...

But, what I really wanted to talk about today was insomnia and my top five albums to fall asleep to. So, no reason to keep blathering on about nonsensical things when I could be blathering on about semi-nonsensical things...

Insomnia and me

I think it started shortly after I turned 18. I had spent the past 9 years sharing a room with my little brother who was (and still is!) 8 1/2 years younger than me. You'd think it would be a bummer for a high schooler to share a room with an 8 year old but it was actually the opposite. My brother and I got along swimmingly (and still do). Of course, it's much easier for me to get along with someone who has excellent (and very similar) taste in music, movies, television and video games. We hung out a lot of the time and I had control of the stereo and TV, so he didn't really have many other options, but, he definitely could've hated listening to Outkast's "Stankonia" on repeat while playing NFL 2K1 (Dreamcast for life muthafuckers!) for hours on end. But, he didn't. He even choreographed one of his first karate test routines to the fucking White Stripes. I think he was 7 at the time. What can I say, kid's a badass and he knows good shit when he hears it.

Leaving home was semi-traumatic as I crave structure and routine. Leaving was the opposite (though, ironically, leaving/moving would become my new routine so staying in one place became the difficult thing) as it forced me to sleep in some place new, eat new food (food I had to cook), go to new stores, a new job, and move into a shitty, college rental house. It turned out to be amazing and I could've lived there forever with Jake and Quinn, but life had other plans for us all.  But, just uprooting everything was jarring for a kid with Asperger's. It didn't sit right and sleeping became difficult. I moved from Horicon, WI, population 3000 to a busy street in Madison, WI, population a billion as far as I was concerned. The street noise, which would eventually become my friend, was such a shock that I couldn't tune it out enough to sleep. For the first month or so in Madison, I think I slept maybe 3 or 4 hours a night. 9 years was a long normal that suddenly disappeared for me. After the initial Asperger's shock wore off, I needed to normalize it. Jake and Quinn listened to music (quite loudly, I might add) as they dozed off. It dawned on me that I could use music, my one true love, to help me adjust to new surroundings. My routine could be the wonderful music that made me feel human, comforted me and gave my life meaning. You see, with Asperger's and its lack of empathy, "human-ness" was hard to come by. I always felt an outsider, a stranger to even myself and someone who didn't understand how other humans interacted and felt so comfortable amongst each other. I didn't  get it. They clearly understood or had something I did not. But music bridged that gap. Suddenly, I could surround myself with people who had the same obsession I did. It made me feel connected to the rest of the world in a way I didn't before. It helped me understand how humans made contact amongst one another in a friendly way. I needed it to survive. Now, it could help me achieve one of the most basic human needs for survival: sleep. For years, I couldn't sleep without music playing. I may not use it every night anymore (as most nights I pass out on the couch watching TV after a handful of bourbons), but when I do, it puts me out like a baby. I can hit the sack and within 20 minutes be sleeping like a baby with the right record. Which brings me to...

My top 5 albums to fall asleep to

 

Honorable mentions: Jeff Buckley - Grace, Portishead - Eponymous, The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound

Jeff Buckley's music has helped me in innumerable ways throughout my life, including saving it on more than one occasion, so it can occasionally be difficult to listen to passively enough to fall asleep. I've used it to soothe my soul on so many nights, but it's also kept me awake with its beauty on more than one occasion (whether by its pure musical magic or the memories it stirs in me) so I have to relegate it to honorable mention in this case.

Portishead is wonderful late night music. Unfortunately, it's also wonderful late night music for certain, R-rated things as well. So, it can't be counted on 100% to send me to slumberland as it sometimes sends me to excited land, which is not conducive to falling asleep.

The Gaslight Anthem's '59 Sound is like comfort food. It's not the most original, complex, inventive or brilliant album but it knows what it is and it does it fucking well. It's punk, Springsteen, storytelling and about as on the nose as a fucking handjob, but sometimes that's all you need.

Now, to the good stuff:

5. Palace Brothers - Days in the Wake

A record recommended to me by the kind (and musically-genius) folks at B-Sides records in Madison, WI. I came in for the Bonnie Prince Billy "I See a Darkness" record and they brought up his past projects and said I'd probably love this. They were right as fuck. I spent 6 months writing songs that could fit on the sequel to this album because it inspired me so much. The rawness, the honesty, the sometimes ridiculousness of it all were so beautiful. When I drink, I always play "I am a Cinematographer" and "I Send My Love to You" without fail. Just gorgeously raw music.

4. Neil Young - After the Gold Rush

 

This album isn't my favorite Neil Young album, it's not even in my top 3 (well, can be #3 depending on my mood and the day), but it has an effect on me that I cannot fully describe. It's calming and numbing (in a good way) and gets me out of my head in a way that is wonderful. I'll also never forget the night I drank, well, more than my fair share of wine and watched Arrested Development reruns until 3:30 am. I finally went to bed but needed to wind down from all the laughter. I popped this record on but being drunk, wasn't aware of the apparent volume. Turns out, my downstairs neighbor didn't appreciate the late night/early morning Neil Young; except maybe she did as she wrote me a letter saying to keep it down late at night unless I give her a call and invite her up for my late night "parties." If I wasn't with someone at the time, I probably would have. Other than that, I never had any interaction with my neighbors at that Portland apartment, though it was one of the last apartments that allowed smoking since it "had let people do it for so long, they couldn't ask them to stop now. Besides, they had extensive renovations to do (read: the apartments were shitty) so they'll deal with it then."

3. Joanna Newsom - Y's

This is such a strange album for me. My Asperger's brain struggles to figure this out. I don't have any clue how to make music like this and I keep trying to figure out how this came into existence. To me, it's like a crazy math riddle that I don't know the formula to. But, I love it. I love it so much. This vinyl is one of my most well-worn/loved. The CD didn't leave my Sony boombox for months and months on end when it first entered. I listened to this album incessantly on my iPod on the train to work when I live in NYC. Joanna has played some of my favorite live shows that I've ever seen. She truly is an artist in every sense of the word, and if you don't own the vinyl version of this, by God, sell your fucking children (or $20 or $30 worth of something else) to get it. You won't regret it. But, make sure you also get the CD so you can listen as you doze off to "Monkey and Bear." I rarely make it past "Monkey and Bear" when I play this late at night.

2. Bjork - Vespertine

"Homogenic" is far too upbeat and wonderous to fall asleep to. No, this is the album you need to whisk you away into a magical night of slumber and dreams. The majestic tone of this album set against those jagged but hypnotic soundscapes are just too much to fathom. Unlike "Y's" where my brain is trying to figure out the math, this just breaks my brain and it shuts off, in the best possible way when you're trying to turn off the day. If I make it to "Undo," I can't help but let a tear slip despite my eyes being tightly closed. If I could ever make a song like that (or anything on this album) I would immediately retire knowing I'd never achieve such heights again. Luckily for us, Bjork wasn't done reaching heights.

1. Stars - Set Yourself on Fire

This album puts me to sleep in the sadness, most nostalgic way possible. Back in Madison, WI when I was just figuring out the nocturnal magic of music, this was one of the first albums that lulled me to sleep. The reminiscing of high school times, which I was fresh out of, was too much, set against the pop-electronic rock concept while handing off singing duties/doing duets with an equally talented female was something I always wanted to dabble in. This album has all the teenage emotions a young person can handle: fleeting love, anger, lust, sadness, the feeling that somehow this is the best it will ever get, ambition, hope, youthful regret, the false permanence, underage drunkenness, etc. This album is likely not as good as I think it is (one of the 10-15 greatest albums ever made) but it means that much to me. I don't know why. It's just one of those time and place albums that is now so embedded and such a sense memory for all the emotions and experiences that time represents that it is indelibly a part of me. There's a sadness and a joy and a comfort in that. I like that this album keeps all that for me. I don't have to forget. I don't have to carry it with me. This album takes care of all that for me. I just have to place it, close the lid and let the lasers do the rest. That little piece of plastic keeps all that shit at a distance but within reach. God bless it. Thank you Stars for the countless nights that I've enjoyed sleep when I otherwise couldn't. It's a blessing and I cannot repay you enough for what you've given me. I once collapsed at work from lack of sleep, but then I found this album and it literally changed my life. Only a small number of records have done that and these sad, reminiscing kids from Canada did it. Congratulations. I'll probably die with this record on. Or "Born to Run" or "Bold as Love" or "Blood on the Tracks" or "Tonight's the Night" or "Grace" but it's crazy "Set Yourself on Fire" is even in that conversation...

(dictated but not read)

stars set yourself on fire.jpg

90's nostalgia (and wine) cures any illness... aka I probably shouldn't be a doctor

I'm still sick but wine and metal (music) will fix me, right?

 

MM album cover.jpg

 

As I mentioned yesterday, I am sick.  Turns out one day may not be enough to get back to normal.  I thought it was, but here we are.  I still feel like shit but wine helps; at least, it helps me not care so much.  Also, as I mentioned yesterday, insomnia is a bitch.  Not sure if any of you have ever experienced insomnia but it's not fun.  Yes, as shown in "Fight Club," I do watch infomercials and memorize them (hard to beat the Ronco, but the drunk Irishmen/Magic Bullet is fun, as is the insane, possibly murderous, making no claims but just saying, Copper Flipwich bitch; who, if you told me murdered everyone on the set after those commercials, I would say "Yep, OK") and even come to like them.  I do own a power pressure cooker.  Except that thing is fucking awesome and makes the best chicken or pork taco meat you can imagine.  The meat comes out, after only 15-20 minutes, like it was cooked in a crock-pot all day, fucking tender and juicy and full of whatever seasoning or flavor you added to it (usually tomatillo and cayenne or some variation, in my case).  It shreds easily and is oh-so-fucking delicious.  In 20 minutes you can make a meal and leftovers for the next couple days.  It's brilliant.  Wait, tacos?  That's not why we're here.  Shit, why are we here?

 

Oh, yeah, Asperger's and sleep, or more accurately, lack of sleep.  It's an issue I've dealt with since High School, and probably before though I didn't know it.  I used to play sports year-round, which helped.  Every day there were hours and hours devoted to making myself tired, physically and mentally.  After I broke my achilles, that changed.  A lot of things changed, but I do remember specifically my late nights starting.  Whether that be through video games (I used to be a fairly avid gamer, Dreamcast muthafuckers!  Oh, and way too much Counter Strike), reading, playing guitar, etc., I had a hard time sleeping.  Then I found the joys of music.  I'd always been a lover of music but then I found a new reason to love it:  sleep.  I, like many, found that listening to music that I knew and loved, not music that I hadn't heard or would force me to stay awake and listen, would help me fall asleep.  CD players had sleep timers or the CD would just fucking end.  Though, I was a fucking badass and had my Aiwa 3-CD stereo so I had to set a sleep timer and be careful was what in the next spot after my desired listen.  No Soulfly in slot 2 if you catch my drift. THIS DOESN'T REALLY HELP YOU SLEEP.  Fred Durst was a thing?  Remember?  Please don't...  COAL CHAMBER WAS ONE THAT ACTUALLY HELPED ME SLEEP FOR SOME REASON...  Wait, are these the same songs?  They sound the same.  Wait, all that nu-metal, scream-alot (not "o"), kinda sounded the same...  Except Godsmack, right?  WAIT, THIS IS THE SAME TOO.  Just kidding, that was definitely more on the Metallica spectrum.  Even to the "meeeeeuuhhh, yeah" accents.  It's borderline shameful how many times I had sex to that eponymous Godsmack record...  Borderline, I said.  It was also borderline admirable.  Turns out I had a different type of girl I was attracted to back in the day.  I'll never forget the early arguments with one girlfriend about the music we would play while we fucked so as not to make it too fucking obvious to her roommate that we were boning.  She always knew so I don't know exactly why we thought that helped that much, but we were young.  In fact, she used to fuck with us about it.  We were so dumb.  But, back to the point, it is so goddamn ridiculous to think back on what music we would play during sex.  She'd put in Godsmack, Korn, Disturbed, and I'd put in Nick Drake, Neil Young, Tupac, Modest Mouse, Radiohead, Jay-Z, Ryan Adams but we could both agree on System of a Down, Portishead, Iron & Wine or Led Zeppelin.

 

(Editors note:  Springsteen and Dylan are FAR too distracting to fuck to.  Just a note for the young ones out there.  It's too easy to start listening to the records and forget about "doing" what you're supposed to be "doing."  Maybe it's just me, but just saying.  I guess if you're trying to find ways to go longer they might be appropriate, but for me it changed the mood)

 

I know, a bit of weird "agreed upon" list but that's what it was.  Wait, I was talking about insomnia not sex...

 

It's difficult because everyone just says "why don't you just go to bed?"  Laying around not sleeping and just dwelling on all the things that make you stressed, sad, depressed, things that you need to do, things you should've done but haven't, why your life is a waste and everything you've failed at doesn't exactly help you drift off into slumberland, trust me.  Reading only makes me less tired.  I suppose I could read more boring books which would help me desire sleep, but who wants to do that?  Television helps but sleeping on the couch (which I did for three years due to some other issues) isn't ideal either.  No, music is the best thing for me.  Unfortunately, my girlfriend cannot abide me listening to music in bed.  It keeps her up.  So, I stay up instead.  Some nights drinking and watching "IT Crowd" reruns (well, I guess they're not reruns anymore.  Fuck, what do you call old shows you've seen before on Netflix?  Rewatches?) on Netflix until I pass out is enough to make me tired when I get to bed.  Some nights it isn't.  Some nights listening to records, and drinking, until my head hits my desk is enough.  Some nights it isn't.  Some nights writing blogs, and drinking, until I can't form coherent sentences is enough.  But a good chunk of the nights, nothing helps and I get to stay up until, well I may not sleep more than a half hour here or there.  It's not fun and it always comes in waves.  It's never one night, which you could get past with a nap the next day.  It's always weeks or months at a time.

 

The thing that sucks about Asperger's is that routines are everything, both positive or negative, and sleep is no exception.  Once you can't sleep, you can't sleep, and there is nothing you can do about it.  It's awful.  That's where I am now.  The beds at the Hampton Inn in Medford, OR aren't terrible by any means but I'm sure I'll barely enjoy them.  I'll probably just lay awake and LISTEN TO THIS OVER AND OVER THINKING OF A DIFFERENT TIME...  A time when getting an hour or two of sleep didn't matter.  Being 18 was good for something, I suppose...

 

I wish I had an answer.  I really wish I do.  Maybe if someday I could build a pattern and routine of sleeping like a normal person, then things could get better.  For now, I'll listen to MARILYN MANSON'S VERSION OF WILLY WONKA CRAZY ASS FUCKING SONG...  Obviously, I'm feeling like I'm 13-18 again tonight but apparently only the metal, shitty 90's side of me.  Saw a Marilyn Manson tribute band before the greatest AC/DC tribute band on the planet (Helles Belles) and I have to admit I knew most of the tunes.  Took me back to a younger time in my life when (speaking of Willy Wonka and Marilyn Manson) "THEY FAIL TO SEE THE ANGUISH IN MY EYES" was a line that just fucking hit me.  Shit, I guess that's still a great fucking line.  Marilyn Manson was always better than people gave him credit for.  And growing up in Wisconsin I heard a lot of "he's such a faggot" type comments, which forced me to explain things to people that they never would even entertain to hear.  I learned a lot back then.  I'm not surprised Wisconsin went Trump in the last election.  I remember sitting in the Mazatlan Mexican Restaurant in Everett, WA in November 2016 on election day thinking that if this comes down to Wisconsin, we're fucked.  Sure enough it was one of the deciding states.  My bartender and waitress, both Mexican, were nearly in tears.  I was aghast but I didn't know what to say to them.  They spoke of their families and their fear for them here in America.  It was so sad to hear.  I thought of where I grew up and was angry and confused and wanted to do something, but I couldn't.  It was done and I knew why.  I knew it would happen.  Now, I'm just rambling.  Probably a side-effect of the wine and habitual lack of sleep.  So, I'm signing off again.  Not sure this helped anyone but myself but I hope someone feels less strange when reading this at 2:45 IN THE MORNING.  I can't help you but you're not alone...

 

(written drowsily but not read or edited.  Sorry, it's fucking late and I have to not sleep.  I know, I won't be sleeping so I should be doing something worthwhile but that's not how it works, assholes)