Well, it's Charlize Theron week, I suppose... aka nothing tragic happened so I'm feeling random

This has been a relatively calm week for ol' Bradley, which was nice.  I don't get many of those.  I'm happy to report nothing extraordinary happened in the past seven days, which in itself is extraordinary, so I guess I fucking lied, sort of, anyways.  My shins are fucking killing me since I suffer from shin splints and occasionally try to be "healthy" and play basketball (I gave up on running since it was boring as shit and hurt my shins even more) for an hour or so a day.  But, after goddamn two or three days, I'm in immense pain for the rest of the week.  It's really fun trying to work out...  Good thing I look good without doing it...


Obviously, I'm sure most of you are like get to the fucking point and tell us...




What are your favorite Charlize Theron movies?


Well, good question, my friends.  As an avid watcher of Charlize, I have to break that down further.  I cannot, and, frankly, will not judge them all as one entity.  I also cannot say I've seen all her work.  But she is a woman of many talents who went absurdly quickly from modeling to acting, starting as an uncredited extra in "Children of the Corn III" and within a year or so was in "2 Days in the Valley."  Quite a jump.  But, she is crazy talented so let's get into it...


Kickass Charlize:


- "Atomic Blonde"


Runner Up:  "Mad Max:  Fury Road"



I remember making dinner, sitting down on my shitty couch and firing up "Fury Road."  The movie goes straight to 11 (though I feel nowadays many people who use that phrase aren't aware of it's origins anymore...  Sad).  I think I took two bites of food before realizing I should put it away til after the movie or it would be wasted.  I was captivated in a way very few movies are capable of.


BUT "Atomic Blonde" is downright fucking amazing.  This move kicks ass in a way that is rarely achieved.  This is up there with movies like "The Protector," "John Wick" and "HARD TO KILL."  OK, that last one might be a stretch but I fucking love it.  Mason Storm is going to be my first child's name, boy or girl.  Steven Seagal is that fucking badass.  Anyway, I don't care about the complaints about the ridiculous plot of "Atomic Blonde."  It doesn't matter one lick.  All I want is badass-ness and people getting their shit kicked in, LIKE THIS or LIKE THIS.

Serious Charlize:


- "The Fate of the Furious"

Runners Up:  "The Devil's Advocate" and "That Thing You Do!"


I know.  It seems absurd to rank a "Fast & Furious" movie ahead of her Oscar-winning role, but c'mon.  I know I will, scratch that, I have already have seen "Fate of the Furious" more times than I'll ever watch "Monster."  I get that they're two totally different films but this is my list muthafuckers.  "The Devil's Advocate" almost convinced me that Keanu was a legitimate dramatic actor.  Almost...  Pacino and Theron carry this movie though it is strange that Keanu has already been sorta mentioned twice on this list...


Also, who remembered that Charlize was in "That Thing You Do!" besides me?  Bonus points for your memory and her portrayal as the bitchy, yet incredibly sexy, girlfriend.  JUST WATCH THIS.  Yeah, that was fun.


Sexy Charlize:


- "2 Days in the Valley"

Runner Up:  every other Charlize Theron movie (she can't not be sexy, even in "Monster" somehow)


Ummm.  Like I said, within one of year of being an uncredited extra in "Children of the Corn III," here she is in "2 Days in the Valley."  Remarkable.  I'll never forget the first time I watched this movie.  I was 12 and at my buddies house.  His dad was one of those guys that loved TV's and surround sound setups.  So, with this being around the turn of the millennium, he had an enormous rear-projection screen type TV, approximately 60" if I remember correctly, with 8.1 surround sound.  They had a huge wrap-around couch that was leather and you just fucking sunk into.  His dad loved to host people so he could show off his movie collection, TV and sound system.  He bought this movie having only seen it once and fired it up for my buddy and his three 12 year old friends.  We dimmed the lights, sank into that huge couch with a giant bowl of popcorn, root beers at our side, with his affable golden retriever roaming between us trying to find the perfect spot on the couch and fired up "2 Days."  Come to find out his dad had completely forgotten about the R-rated sex scenes that we were about to watch on that 60" screen in surround sound.  Needless to say, there was a mad dash for the fast-forward button and some very happy pre-teens...


And lastly, my favorite, Funny Charlize:

- "Arrested Development"

Runner Up:  "A Million Ways to Die in the West"


OK, "Arrested Development isn't a movie but I guarantee you I quote her as Rita more than anything else.  100%.  It's not really even that close.  She's absolutely brilliant as a comedic actor and I wish she did more comedy.  But, to each his own.  I could watch her eat plastic fruit, show Michael her tiny teddy and be excited about getting "married, married, married" all day.  If I could choose one role to watch her in for the rest of my life, I would unflinchingly choose Rita.  Now, "Arrested Development" season 4 was shit (hopefully 5 is better) so I don't know about the future but we'll always have "Bumpaddle" magazine...


Anywho, that's what I got this week.  Be back soon to divulge... more personal information like I always do.  Peace!