what?... aka so tired. so fucking tired...

depression is a bitch. i'm so tired. i can't even write tonight. well, it's more than depression. it's also lack of sleep. sleep is essential to life but some people, like me, can't sleep because they are terrified of having horrific dreams. i don't feel like dying a dozen times tonight. just like i didn't feel like dying a dozen times last night so i didn't really sleep. chappelle's show reruns helped me through but i now cannot feel emotions or life so i just want to sleep desperately but will likely barely partake. next week, or possibly later this week, i will give you a more in depth... thing, i guess, i don't know the word, on depression, on insomnia and the like. but for tonight, i'm gonna drink til i pass out. it's not sleep but it'll do for now. i can't take another night of dreaming/nightmaring deaths for eight hours. i can't wake up to experience the same dream for an entire night. a dream in which i am chased and murdered, or tasked with saving dozens of people from murder. i just can't. i just can't. i don't have it in me. luckily, there is a new season of "nailed it" on netflix and the new pup album "morbid stuff" is fucking amazing. i'll do that for tonight, again. it's better than sleep. well, better than horrific nightmares that still don't allow me to sleep anyways. fuck that shit. seriously. whole foods sourdough fresh baked loaf is delicious. so is woodford reserve bourbon. so are "corner gas" reruns on amazon. so are "martin" reruns on bet. i'm tired. so tired...

(dictated but not read)