2019 so far, Catsperger's and missed opportunities... aka... maybe 2020 will be better...

It’s June. Somehow, it’s already fucking June. 2019 is almost half over… Fuck me.

I was hoping to release an album this year. A solo record. I finally have all the songs written. I originally wrote about 15-20 or so songs for it, scrapped half and moved some into another project, then wrote about 6-8 more songs in the past month or so as the theme/mood/sound of the album changed quite drastically. At least I’ll have a fuckload of B-sides for some unknown future project..

I was hoping to make another music video or two for that album. But the album doesn’t exist yet.

I was hoping to do a summer tour. But the album doesn’t exist yet and I’ve been too depressed/distracted/busy writing to book shows to promote my current album.

I was hoping to record another project I am working on that is so fucking different from anything I’ve ever done up until this point. I wanted that album to come out next spring. I wanted to parlay the solo album and move right into a project that is thematically similar but in lyrical content only. The music couldn’t be more worlds apart. But I still haven’t finished the solo record, so this is getting pushed back.

I was hoping to make headway on the book I’m writing. I wrote the first 12-15 pages a while back and I loved where it was going. I have a number of stories that I feel very strongly and passionate about. But, life is getting in the way and I have two records to make.

I was hoping to get in better shape and drink less. I am in (slightly) better shape but my depression and dreams have ruined the second part, which in turn makes the first much harder.

I was hoping I would be out of Portland, OR by now. But, I’m writing to you currently from the PacNorWest (which nobody but me calls it).

I was hoping to finally getting around to building another shelf or two (I built one from scratch three years ago that I love as I got to pick the wood, stain color, size and everything since I built the fucking thing). But, it’s hard to build things in a small apartment and even harder when you have to keep your cat away from the area you’re working in for a whole week. Cats hate that. Especially since cats have Catsperger’s and only want to do the thing you won’t let them do. Like last week, when I was cleaning out my music room closet. Normally, my cat can’t wait to run and jump into the closet as soon as she gets a chance, slip, fall or get herself trapped by climbing into something she can’t get back out of (because she’s clumsy as fuck) and then panic and claw at my guitar amps/guitar cases/band merch/etc. She makes a run for it every time I open the closet door, then pouts when I won’t let her in. But last week, when I was cleaning and the door was open all day and the stuff was strewn about the room, she couldn’t have cared less about getting in there. Catsperger’s. Takes one to know one…

I was hoping to be less of a pain in the ass to the people around me. But, can’t say that I have been much better.

I was hoping to see my friends more often. But, depression and lack of money is getting in the way.

I was hoping to blog more often. But, once a week is all I can manage right now, for a variety of reasons.

I was hoping I would be less depressed this year. But, there’s nothing I’ve done to change that.

I was hoping I would look back fondly on 2019. So far, my best hope is giving up and rooting for 2020…

(dictated but not read)