Someone Help! I've Been Trapped in my Apartment for Three Days!

Random Snowed In Thoughts…

            I would like to start by qualifying that, yes, after three days of snow in the fair city of Portland, Oregon, I am still snowed in.  In fact, my phone yelled at me violently, well, not yelled, it was really more of a fire alarm at short range, that the City of Portland has issued a statement urging people to stay inside and not travel due to poor road conditions.  Now, to the layman, the everyday tax-paying citizen, if you will, the proper course of action would be to, oh, I don’t know, maybe take some action.  Maybe hire some plows and salt trucks, something.  Their advice was to just sit tight, as it was supposed to warm up over the next couple of day and the rain should, hopefully, wash away all the snow…  What a plan.  They must be fucking geniuses.  Hopefully they all get re-elected, or better yet, they leave their houses for some coffee or orange juice or a prostitute, whatever, and they slip on the ice and the shitty, packed-in snow on their roadways and crack their heads, and since everyone was advised to stay in they bleed to death, concussed and unable to call for help, lying in the road, like the fucking morons they truly are…  Or at the very least, they could stub their toes.  And I mean really stub it bad, like bend the nail back and chip a little off because that’s what happened to me walking around my tiny apartment trying not to get all “The Shining” all over everyone.  Anyways,  I’m going to devour five or six cups of coffee while I type, got to get this wonderful day going.  So, let’s move on to the randomness…

            Cup of Coffee #1:  Bruno Mars…


            Now, I haven’t actually written anything about the Super Bowl yet, or hardly even spoken of it, since that tragedy of a football game on February 2nd, 2014, except to congratulate my friends who happen to be Seahawks fans.  They should enjoy it though, as it’s only a matter of years before Pete Caroll fucks the team over, they get busted for cheating and their Lombardi trophy gets revoked(see:  USC)…  Just kidding, the NFL doesn’t revoke trophies like the NCAA.  Theres no real punishment for cheating(see:  Belichick)…  Oh yeah, Bruno Mars.  So, the one thing I did want to talk about, in regard to that dreadful waste of advertising money(Tim Tebow’s “no contract” ads were my favorite, if you were wondering, which I know you probably weren’t), was the Bruno Mars halftime show.  To be fair, most of the people I ask about this actually LIKED his halftime performance and found it quite entertaining.  And, since a lot of people I knew grew up in the nineties, the RHCP thing was a nice touch.  Like most things, I fall on the other side of the fence, I fucking hated it.  FUCKING HATED IT.  Maybe it’s the fact that he constantly gets compared, by critics and therefore unthinking morons who have been diligently trained, by facebook and twitter and 24-hour news, to regurgitate talking points as if they were their own, to Michael Jackson and James Brown.  Not only are those two giants of the music and entertainment industry that we’ll never see the likes of again, they are also two of my favorite performers of all-time.  No one will ever compare to Michael Jackson.  I’m pretty sure that’s what Sinead O’Connor was singing about.  So, I take offense to that.  Also, it set a bar and a standard to which Bruno couldn’t possibly reach even if he(or she, I’m still not sure exactly what this untalented lump of shit is.  The closest thing I can approximate is that if James Brown, hence Bruno's blackness, had a retarded, illegitimate child, who claimed all of his recessive genes, none of the talent or creativity or awesomeness,  and that child knocked up Katy Perry, hence the shitty pop “music,”the resulting baby would be called Bruno Mars) was talented at all.  I think my favorite thing that was written about this, was when Steven Hyden of Grantland wrote:  “A band comes onstage wearing suits that match what Mars is wearing. You typically only get that sort of showmanship on cruise ships.”  His overall review was pretty positive, but still, I crack up every time I read that.  To be honest, I wasn’t really listening to the songs.  After about five seconds of each new song, I wanted to murder someone.  But seeing as I was in a room full of people I had just met, I didn’t want to make a bad impression.  Afterwards, I almost felt bad for Bruno.  It’s bad enough to be a douche on national television, but to be shown up by a fifty year-old RHCP, featuring Will Ferrell on the drums and a guitar player who was either experiencing a bad acid trip or just ate Jack in the Box and was trying desperately not to shit himself in front of America,  must not feel so good.  And he most certainly was shown up.  It’s clear RHCP were comfortable and ready to rock, no matter how big the stage, as they’ve been doing it for years.  Bruno seemed like he was trying to prove he wasn’t the product of James Brown’s retarded, illegitimate, recessive-gened child and Katy Perry…

            Cup of Coffee #3:  Rick Astley…


            Last night, while being cooped up again in my shitty little apartment, I was trying to pin down exactly what it was about Rick, and more specifically, the “Never Gonna Give You Up” music video, that was so amusing to me.  Maybe its because he looks like a sixteen year old ginger who stole his fathers yachting clothes. Maybe its because he sings lines like:  “You know the rules and so do I…” or “You wouldn’t get this from any other guy…” or “I just want to tell you how I’m feeling…”  Maybe its because the video features a random black dude who likes to do flips while he’s cleaning and getting ready for work.  Maybe its because Rick could be, quite possibly, the worst dancer ever.  What the fuck is that side to side hand shimmy thing that he does the whole song?  It’s the single worst white guy dance move I’ve ever seen and its so hard to watch.  I never thought I would see someone who made Phil Collins seem black by comparison.  Rick could be be the whitest guy ever.  Who knows.  But, for any guy who feels like he’s unlucky with women, Astley and the video for “Never Gonna Give You Up” is proof positive that any guy can get laid…

            Cup of Coffee #4:  Random Lists…


            Anyone who knows me well knows that I love making lists.  Top five albums or songs or movies or whatever.  I know, very High Fidelity, but its fun.  By the way, if you have never read the book, you need to stop whatever you’re doing, unless you’re listening to Rick Astley and boning, then by all means keep it up, go find it(hint:  there’s these things that the kids hardly ever use anymore, ever since Al Gore invented the internet, called libraries where they keep tons of books) and read it immediately.  Nonetheless, here’s five random top five lists for you…

            Top five human sensations or feelings.  Now, I’ve never been married, had a child or won the lottery, but I assume those would be my top three if they should ever occur.  Since, I’m not that lucky insofar, here’s what I do know:

  1. Predictably, having an orgasm.
  2. The first time I put on socks after having cut my toenails.  A close second...
  3. The feeling I get just after having taken a large poop that’s been brewing for a while.
  4. Taking a shower when I’m really gross or dirty or sweaty or whatever.  Very often following #1 or #3.  Hopefully “or” will never turn into “and.”  I have never had, and cross my fingers, never will have, a sex-pooping problem…
  5. Peeing after holding it for as long as humanly possible.

I’m kind of surprised at how low “peeing after holding it” came in, but there you go.
Honorable Mention:  Performing onstage and eating, which leads me to...

Top five favorite sandwiches:

  1. Meatloaf, which just might be my favorite food in general
  2. Egg salad, I wish I had the patience to make egg salad but I don’t
  3. Tuna, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna
  4. Cucumber, tomato and spinach, probably the most refreshing sandwich you can eat, ever
  5. Meatball sub from Subway, I think they put heroin in it because it always makes me sick, and for some reason, I always want more

Honorable mention:  Turkey, and I’m talking real turkey like left-overs from Thanksgiving turkey, and the Reuben.

Top Five Monty Python Sketches:

  1. Upperclass Twit of the Year
  2. Ron Obvious
  3. The Dead Parrot
  4. The Ministry of Silly Walks
  5. The Homicidal Barber/Lumberjack Song

Honorable mention:  The Piranha Brothers, The Bishop and Confuse-a-Cat

Top Five Ramones Songs:

  1. Blitzkrieg Bop
  2. Sheena is a Punk Rocker
  3. Judy is a Punk
  4. Teenage Lobotomy, how can you beat a line like:  “Now, I guess I’ll have to tell’em that I got no cerebellum”
  5. I Wanna be Sedated

Honorable mention:  Glad to See You Go, Rock N’ Roll High School(partially, well mostly, because of my PJ Soles obsession), Cretin Hop, Surfin’ Bird(Damn you Family Guy!), She’s the One

      My music listening goes in extreme patterns of obsession.  I’ll listen to the same records for months on end.  Right now, the two artists I am obsessing over are the two artists I’ve made Top Fives for.  The first being the Ramones and the second being…

Top Five Shania Twain Songs:

  1. Any Man of Mine
  2. From This Moment On
  3. Man! I Feel Like a Woman!, my favorite memory of this song is when I was like 10 or 11 my good buddy’s seven year old little brother loved this song so much and used to run around the house singing “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” all day
  4. Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
  5. I’m Holding on to Love (to Save My Life)

Honorable mention:  You’re Still the One, That Don’t Impress Me Much

For the record, I am a huge Shania Twain fan.  Come on Over and The Woman in Me are just great records.  Each quite different in scope but both are chock full of wonderful country pop.  I even own, and occasionally listen to, Up!  I’m not exactly sure the reason Shania’s music is so near and dear to my heart.  It probably has a lot to do with nostalgia, as she was the biggest thing in the world when I was around 12, and she’s pretty easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.  But it also probably has a lot to do with the fact that Come on Over and the Woman in Me are two great pop records that are fun to listen to.

Five Random television facts:

The television character I would most like to be:  Brian Hackett, Wings…
The television character that I think the most like:  Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm…
The television character I would most like to be friends with:  It’s a tie between Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock and Buddy Sorrell, The Dick van Dyke Show…
The television character I would most like to be “friends” with:  Audrey Horne, Twin Peaks…
The television character’s alter ego I wish we got to know sooner, before the television show was crappy and we didn't care anymore:  Serena, Samantha’s “evil” twin on Bewitched.  Bonus Points for being the impetus to one of the weirdest things I ever saw on TV:  Quentin Tarantino singing “I’m Gonna Blow You a Kiss in the Wind,” a song Serena sang in the episode of Bewitched when she wanted to be a Rock N’ Roll star, on SNL…

If you couldn’t already tell, I’m very bored from being trapped inside for so long without a woman's touch…

Cup of Coffee #6:


Six cups of coffee before nine o’ clock is just too much.  So, I’m going to go waste my time doing something else for a while.  I’ll probably be back sooner than later…  Goodbye for now…